ever since i was a little girl i knew i wanted to have a crush
a normal essay by a normal girl who feels normal things.
There’s nothing like a good, old-fashioned crush. I think there are very few things in this world that are capable of providing as much consolation as that first crush after what feels like forever without having one, or after the heartbreak you thought would wreck you. Either way, the relief almost feels like coming up for oxygen after being underwater. A crush sneaks its way into your consciousness without a sound or any warning, and suddenly the most mundane activities and routines are speckled with references and reminders of their existence. Any remaining logic you had left must now submit to the whims of your imagination, and you’re reading between lines that may not even actually exist. But at the end of the day, it’s sweet. All of it is—because the mere act of even feeling like this again is a kind of magic in its own right.
I grew up as kind of a serial crusher. For most situations I found myself in, I had a knack for finding at least one person to romanticize even just a little bit. And if there weren’t any candidates, I would just think about a celebrity crush in lieu of a real life one. They took on the role of something constant for me to fall back upon. Crushes, to a younger Faith, were less about the person being crushed on and more about the act of crushing itself. Not to be confused with limerence—a term recently making its rounds on the internet describing a psychological phenomenon surrounding the desire to be desired to the point of unhealthy obsession, stemming from romantic feelings for someone else that you barely know anything about.