there's a word for how I feel, but I don't know what to call it

some thoughts on wallet picture song

The first thing I will say about this song is that it scares me. These are some of my most transparent lyrics, and it scares me because anyone who listens will know me and my nature a whole lot better after doing so.

I show my mom every song I write, and over the past four months, I have written a lot. She asked me the other day: “Don’t you think you’re giving this person and this situation way too much credit? The songs are always great, but it’s not worth dwelling on for so long, is it?”

The thing is, I know exactly what she is trying to say; but that’s not how I view it. I told her that I don’t see the act of writing song after song about it as “giving credit”—it feels more like a testament to the strength of my emotions. How big my feelings are. With every new song, I never think I am capable of caring more—not necessarily about the specific person/situation, but caring as a general act—but time and time again, I always find a way to surprise myself.

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He keeps a picture of me in his wallet

There’s a word for how I feel, but I don’t know what to call it

And there’s gotta be a stronger word than love

But I guess I’ll have to use it when push comes to shove

How do I know if I have really found the one?

I used to think that they were lying until this thing begun

And I’m the first thing that he sees when he wakes up

And I don’t care how much of my time he takes up

I’m captivated

I’m all the words that mean that I’m in love, you name it

I always thought once I found it, I would hate it

I’ve never felt like this before, it’s all brand new

I’d never felt real love before ‘til I met you

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I wrote the first half of wallet picture song when I was in love, and it is so painfully obvious. A first love, to be specific. For the past couple years, I was involved with someone pretty seriously, and I wrote the first verse and chorus of this song when the relationship was at what I felt was our peak. Of course, this ultimately meant that there was no other direction for us to go than downhill after that, but neither of us realized that at the time, and had no intention of making that realization altogether.

The view from the top of that mountain was so beautiful, and provided for me a vision of the future that seemed so promising. It was hard to think of any reason why it should come to an end, and I was so confident that this was it—exactly the kind of love I’d been searching for and dreaming of my entire life. The kind of love I deserved. 

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He keeps the secrets from me in his pocket

And there’s something I should say, but I’m not ready to call it

And I’m thinking that I’m not the only one

How could I have been so blind to it;

How could I have been so dumb?

How can you tell if your time with him is done?

I used to think my mom was kidding when she said we should break up

And I’ve got a few more reasons than “just because”

I don’t think you ever knew what you want

I’m devastated

I’m ugly crying on the floor, and man, I hate it

I didn’t realize this was something you could trade in

I’ve never felt like this before, it’s all brand new

I’d never grieved the way I did when I left you

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The second half was writing during the aftermath (clearly). Fun fact: it was originally written with a brighter, more upbeat strumming pattern, matching the starry-eyed, lovey-dovey approach to the lyrics in the first verse and chorus quite nicely.

Stumbling upon this notes app entry mid-October, waist-deep into the split, I clearly no longer shared that same outlook on love and relationships. This sucked for a myriad of reasons, but in that moment, it especially sucked because I really wanted to finish that song, but I didn’t know if I ever could. I loved the chord progression and melody, but I just wasn’t in the same headspace anymore, so I wasn’t sure if finishing that song would ever be in the cards for me. I brought this dilemma to my sisters, and one of them suggested that I write the rest of the song from my current perspective, which was (obviously) sad. So, that’s exactly what I did.

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He let me gasp for air in the trenches

He watched me play the game for us while he warmed the benches

And there’s nothing I am better at than getting my revenge

But I’ll just let him stay up wondering what I meant

By all the signals in the songs he won’t get

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Someone asked me on Instagram, saying:

did HE get the signals of THIS SONG?

And I wasn’t sure how to answer. I simply answered: I have no clue! I would hope so, but who knows.

Well, I have no idea if he’s listened to it or not, but I also don’t think that it matters to me that much. I put this song out for myself, not as an attack, or a move on the chessboard of the breakup. My favorite lines from the song are “there’s nothing I am better at than getting my revenge / but I’ll just let him stay up wondering what I meant / by all the signals in the songs he won’t get”, because I think I have the capacity to be incredibly vengeful. I think any writer (in any medium) worth their salt contains this ability. I believe I could actually be really spiteful, if I tried. I could be causing a whole lot more damage, but I am choosing not to. It’s not on my agenda to try and ruin his life in order to send any secret hidden messages, I’m just going to tell it like it is, and let him listen to the songs (if he even chooses to) and come to his own conclusions.

Another listener posed the question:

is this song ‘nothing ever lasts’ or is it ‘imagine how much I will love the right guy when he comes along?’

I responded by saying when I finished writing it, the feeling was originally ‘nothing ever lasts’. Which makes sense, because when I sat down to finish it, I was writing from the sad perspective, which I was marinating in at the time. But, as I worked on recording the studio version over time, I think it grew into the latter. I just feel like I have so much love to give, and pride myself on having a big heart and big feelings to go with it—which makes me prone to giving it to someone either prematurely or misplaces altogether. This is the burden that ‘lover girlies’, or just folks who love love, must carry.

I’ve written love songs for other people before. It’s not some special privilege this person got out of me. And I’ve winced at those songs upon hearing the first note, out of embarrassment of how much I cared for a person who simply did not. The cool thing about wallet picture song is that, when looking at it as a complete piece, it allows me to look at the relationship from both sides; from our highest point to our lowest.

I don’t consider the melodramatic nature of both halves of this song as embarrassing or humiliating; not one bit. To me, it serves as an example of how much I am capable of loving someone. And that itself, the idea that I contain the ability to love that much, is a comforting sentiment.

I’ve been telling myself: if I am capable of loving the wrong person this much, imagine just how much more I will be able to love the right one. And this notion brings about in me just as much relief as it does fear, but in a good way, I think.

Talk soon,

Faith