okay i'm healed! now send me the exact same guy
on recursive romances and the tragic, cyclical nature of my track record so far
As I look through the archives of my old song notebooks and situate certain songs I’ve written over half a decade ago side-by-side with songs I’ve written within the past couple years, I find lines I’ve written about boys I’ve liked and been involved with from both time periods. The words seem to blur together, like I’m saying the same things over and over again — because I am — and like it’s going around in a circle — because it is. I realized that I have always been drawn to the same basic archetype of boy: on the surface, they seem different enough, but at their very core, they share fundamental qualities that have always clashed with my own, contributing to our inevitable end. Some of these qualities include: non-confrontational, only emotionally available to a certain extent, and afraid of commitment.
In other words, guys who think I can fix them, whether they’re aware of it or not. And when I fail to become their catalyst for change, it ends — usually of my own volition, because I know a dead end when I see one. Each love interest might feel a little different at first, but when things start to go downhill, it’s in a way that feels all too familiar, and the realization suddenly hits: I’ve been here before. In my defense, I suppose I don’t exactly recognize the similarities at first — or I do, and I don’t deem them uncannily similar enough to constitute as reason enough to toss it aside. Take a look for yourself at these lyrics from different songs I’ve written about four separate guys (believe it or not). It’s very interesting and coincidental to me that the first and last lyrics are about different muses, yet both are about me feeling them getting bored of me: